110 – The Seat Next To Me is Empty

“It’s better to be hated for what you are, then loved for what you are not.”

Nothing interesting has happened since my last post. Ok, I guess the single fact that I’m sitting in Berlin is actually quite interesting, but nothing has occurred where I’ve said, “Hey, I should write about that!”. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of bored right now. Not saying Berlin is boring, it’s actually quite the opposite, but I can’t ignore the fact that I am bored. I’m sure several factors could be contributing to that, like the terrible weather and this shitty hostel, but I think the main reason is…I’m kind of lonely. But that stays between us, don’t tell anyone I ever admitted to craving the company of another. I’ll never get tired of exploring and seeing new things, but mixed in there, every now and then, I’d like to actually do something. And while there are unlimited amounts of things that can be explored solo, there are only so many things that can be done solo. And sometimes, even exploring is better when you have someone to share the memories with.

I’ve never been one to place relationships high on my priority list. Maybe that’s a flaw. Maybe that’s something I should value more. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been able to feel like I’m in a position to actually add value to a relationship, so maybe now is the perfect time. But maybe now is too late. I’m selfish and I’ll never compromise my values for anyone or anything, and those are not very good traits to have when it comes to relationships. It’s not that I don’t care about other people, I just can’t see myself ever putting someone else’s needs ahead of my own. And I won’t pretend to be something that I’m not. You always know exactly what you are getting with me. Maybe that’s a flaw as well. We are not accustomed to that level of honesty as a society.

Yesterday it rained so hard it was impossible to even leave the hostel. I tried to head out after breakfast, but after only two blocks even my rain jacket was soaked through so I had to turn back. Apparently it was the worst rain Berlin has had in a century and I picked the worst possible hostel to be stuck at during it. The hostel itself isn’t terrible I guess, it’s just insanely hard to meet people here for some reason. I spent the entire day on my computer clicking back and forth between pointless websites. Planning for life after vacation. Preparing for my return home and pondering my new wants. The hostel does have some nice lounge areas to make up for the cramped rooms, but I’m not one who enjoys just sitting around. And sitting around is what I had to do. Once the evening came I was able to make my way over to the bar to have a couple of beers and watch Germany destroy Mexico in a soccer match, although strangely more people were rooting for Mexico. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a hostel bar and there are more backpackers then locals here, or if Germany has a “Patriots” effect going on. You know, the NFL Patriots, who have been so dominant in football that everyone except actual Patriots fans loves to root against them? Maybe that’s what’s going on here. Maybe everyone but Germans are tired of seeing Germany win, so they root against them any chance they get. There’s another match tonight though so we’ll see what happens then.

Today the rain stopped, but it was still windy and overcast the entire day. It did make for decent walking weather though as I didn’t have to worry about the roasting sun. And walk I did. I made a huge loop around the city and stopped at destinations I wasn’t planned to stop at on today’s walk. Some I didn’t even plan at all. I just walked. And it was fucking exhilarating getting to see everything, and getting to feel the history that happened here. But still, I felt a bit empty. I’m not actually doing anything. Trust me, I’m not complaining, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now, I’m just describing my feelings and contemplating the reasons behind them.

So, off topic, but, I have this Hoodie thats all orange and purple and galaxy themed. Those who have seen it or looked on my Instagram will know the one I’m talking about. Anyway, I have a running compliment total on this hoodie and I have yet to go a single night wearing it and not getting a compliment. Seriously, every single time I put this thing on, at least one person throughout the night will say, “Hey awesome sweatshirt dude”. I wanted to test the power of this hoodie and see if it would work internationally. It still has yet to fail me. Wore it in Munich, even though it was not sweatshirt weather, got a compliment. Wore it here in Berlin last night at the bar, got several compliments. One from the bartender, one from this Irish guy I had a conversation with, and one from a guy who I’m pretty sure was coming on to me because his exact line was, “the only thing more awesome than that hoodie is your beard.” Wish I was making that up. And right now I have 2 and a half day old dry beard that could really use a good conditioning and some oil. This is, “as soon as I get home I’m cutting the bastard off” beard. But I guess it’s still awesome enough to attract attention, albeit completely unwanted attention.

As I was walking around today, I realized that I haven’t been taking many pictures this trip. Not nearly as many as I anticipated anyway, and none of myself. The selfie stick I bought hasn’t even left my bag and it will most likely get left behind as I don’t see myself ever stooping to that level of tourism. If it doesn’t get used here in Germany, it’s not going to get used anywhere. I started wondering as to why I’m not taking more pictures though – it’s not like the sites here don’t warrant pictures, every single thing is gorgeous and amazing – and I think the answer is that, I simply don’t want to. Pictures can’t really do a trip like this justice, they can’t capture the emotions or feelings or stories, so there isn’t a point to take the time to take them. I’ve got the memories. But what about other people though? Won’t they want to see pictures when I return home? Well, if you want to see these places you can either find a much better professional picture online, or you can make the trip yourself. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be doing souvenirs either, maybe a handful at most. How is it fair to have people live vicariously through you? We should encourage others to be living for themselves instead. Maybe that’s just a fancy way of saying I’m a cheap bastard though. I thought I was going to have an entire rent free month to save up after this trip, but it seems as if now I’ll be jumping right into a new apartment lease once I return home. Maybe that’ll be season two if I continue writing.

I’m really just rambling now. The soccer match doesn’t start until 8:45 and I don’t want to get to the bar too early so I’m just trying to kill time. Tomorrow I leave this hostel and move to one that I really have high hopes for. I mean, it has a rooftop bar – enough said. If I can’t find some interesting people to hang out with on a rooftop bar then there is something wrong here. I also might take a pub crawl tour tomorrow night to try and meet some people, so most likely I won’t post again until Sunday. Hopefully I’ll actually have something to exciting to write about by then.

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